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It's obscenely gratuitous lifestyle porn, so personality-free that it could be watched without volume in a hotel reception, and it's gradually and inevitably interspersed with more softcore porn, so soft and so boringly frequent that I could almost feel a collective audience sigh every time they got naked again. While it definitely feels as though there's more sex than usual, it usually involves an element that one can check off with crushing reliability (licking ice-cream off one another – tick; sex in a car – tick; sex with handcuffs – tick). It's all so comfortable and well-lit, as though it's directed by someone who's never actually had sex. Dakota Johnson: it's left entirely up to her to make any of the film remotely watchable. Photograph: Universal The script, written by Niall Leonard, AKA the Fifty Shades author EL James's husband, is just exactly what it is: a middle-aged man speculating as to how not only a young couple converse but also, bleakly, how young women interact with one another.